Who am I?

That is the question I’ve been asking myself all year. Well, all my life really but more so since my mother passed away just after Christmas. A very good friend of mine introduced me to a series of books, Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. By reading the books, discussing the more complex points with my friend, and sitting quietly with myself, who I am is slowly coming into focus.

1. I am a creator. I create fantastical stories in my head and transfer them into books. In college I did some drawing but writing is really where my passion lies. The thrill I get when someone has an emotional reaction to my words, whether they laughed or cried or were merely entertained, is like no other feeling in the world.

a pointillism picture I did in college

a pointillism picture I did in college

I have also created three wonderful human beings—with the help of my husband, of course— which I take great care and delight into guiding them to become happy and independent adults. I help them find the answers to their questions instead of giving it to them, I encourage them to make mistakes and try new things, but I don’t push. I let them make their own decisions about their lives, to a degree. Dropping out of the fourth grade to play video games all day isn’t an option.

I also create the events in my life, whether pleasant or not, intentional or not. Because I know my thoughts manifest my reality, I focus on the positive and what I desire rather than what I don’t want. Occasionally I have to remind myself to stop worrying but the more I practice just living in the moment and being grateful for all that is in my life, the more I have to be grateful for. I know everything will work out because it always has, one way or another.

My mom's favorite flower, the iris

My mom’s favorite flower, the iris

2. I am love. I love everyone. I may not like certain people, but that does not exclude them from my loving them. How could it when we are all one? And that also means that I love myself. I’ve always liked myself—I’m funny and kind and the most loyal friend you’ll ever find—but I’ve realized that for the past decade or so I’ve haven’t been a loving person to myself. I put my happiness and desires behind everyone else. That’s what I thought a wife and mother was supposed to do. But how can I tell my children to go for their dreams and be happy when I wasn’t following my own advice. And not just in my career, but all aspects of my life. A lot of changes are coming, but if I listen to my gut and focus on my goals, it will all work out for the best.

I drew this during my Garth Brooks period

I drew this during my Garth Brooks period

3. I am a loyal friend. I was never part of a clique but I’ve always had one or two close friends at a time. For those I call a friend there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do to help out if I could, from carpooling to lending money to giving them a place to stay for a few days. I love helping those I care about. Now, a couple times my generous nature has been taken advantage of and those friends have faded from my life. But there are a few that could show up at my door, dragging a dead body behind them, and I would grab my big shovel without question a second thought. I’m pretty sure “Holy shit! What the hell happened?” would be my first reaction as I help shove the body into the trunk.

On another note, my goal for the summer is to complete The Count of Monte Cristo. A couple friends swear it’s the best book ever. It’s a very thick book but I figure if I read a couple chapters a day, I should get it done before fall. Wish me luck. What are your summer reading goals?

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3 Comments

Filed under who am I

3 responses to “Who am I?

  1. I’m so happy to be a part in your journey in this life.

  2. What a beautiful reflection! I think that process of self-discovery goes on for all of us, all the time.
    “I also create the events in my life, whether pleasant or not, intentional or not.” This was the part that really resonated with me! It’s one of those obvious-yet-hard-to-remember ideas. We DO create our lives, but it’s easy to feel like life is happening to us. It’s an important thing to remember as we go about making choices and decisions, creating our lives whether we’re conscious of it or not.
    On the subject of living in the now, you may be interested in reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, or his other book, Stillness Speaks. Excellent reflections.
    After all that philosophy, I also feel obliged to give you a link to “Who Am I?” from Les Mis… 🙂 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaKrnR_D4jk
    Good luck with the Count! We can do a LOT by taking it a small amount at a time. I’ve been focusing on lots of reading goals lately (Lord of the Rings was the big one) so my plan for the summer is to chill a bit and be LESS goal-oriented for a while in my reading…we’ll see how that goes!

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