Who am I?

That is the question I’ve been asking myself all year. Well, all my life really but more so since my mother passed away just after Christmas. A very good friend of mine introduced me to a series of books, Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. By reading the books, discussing the more complex points with my friend, and sitting quietly with myself, who I am is slowly coming into focus.

1. I am a creator. I create fantastical stories in my head and transfer them into books. In college I did some drawing but writing is really where my passion lies. The thrill I get when someone has an emotional reaction to my words, whether they laughed or cried or were merely entertained, is like no other feeling in the world.

a pointillism picture I did in college

I have also created three wonderful human beings—with the help of my husband, of course— which I take great care and delight into guiding them to become happy and independent adults. I help them find the answers to their questions instead of giving it to them, I encourage them to make mistakes and try new things, but I don’t push. I let them make their own decisions about their lives, to a degree. Dropping out of the fourth grade to play video games all day isn’t an option.

I also create the events in my life, whether pleasant or not, intentional or not. Because I know my thoughts manifest my reality, I focus on the positive and what I desire rather than what I don’t want. Occasionally I have to remind myself to stop worrying but the more I practice just living in the moment and being grateful for all that is in my life, the more I have to be grateful for. I know everything will work out because it always has, one way or another.

My mom’s favorite flower, the iris

2. I am love. I love everyone. I may not like certain people, but that does not exclude them from my loving them. How could it when we are all one? And that also means that I love myself. I’ve always liked myself—I’m funny and kind and the most loyal friend you’ll ever find—but I’ve realized that for the past decade or so I’ve haven’t been a loving person to myself. I put my happiness and desires behind everyone else. That’s what I thought a wife and mother was supposed to do. But how can I tell my children to go for their dreams and be happy when I wasn’t following my own advice. And not just in my career, but all aspects of my life. A lot of changes are coming, but if I listen to my gut and focus on my goals, it will all work out for the best.

I drew this during my Garth Brooks period

3. I am a loyal friend. I was never part of a clique but I’ve always had one or two close friends at a time. For those I call a friend there is almost nothing I wouldn’t do to help out if I could, from carpooling to lending money to giving them a place to stay for a few days. I love helping those I care about. Now, a couple times my generous nature has been taken advantage of and those friends have faded from my life. But there are a few that could show up at my door, dragging a dead body behind them, and I would grab my big shovel without question a second thought. I’m pretty sure “Holy shit! What the hell happened?” would be my first reaction as I help shove the body into the trunk.

On another note, my goal for the summer is to complete The Count of Monte Cristo. A couple friends swear it’s the best book ever. It’s a very thick book but I figure if I read a couple chapters a day, I should get it done before fall. Wish me luck. What are your summer reading goals?